I mean, if you're just fat, people don't feel the need to grab at your muffin top. There is something about a pregnant woman that makes people thinks its ok to touch and feel. They ask you if its kicking and even if you say no, a hand shoots to your belly like metal to a magnet. Now, I don't think I am weird, but I am not a huge touchy feely person. I will tell you I love you if I do. I will even hug you if I feel compelled. But, I will not touch a stranger or tell them about my placenta. Not. Ever.
So, in good nature, I have compiled a top ten of things that have happened in the last week or so that I am calling "Top 10 things to avoid when dealing with a Prego"
1. Don't ask me what I weigh. I would never tell the truth. I will take off 50 pounds and convince myself its the truth. I will tell you that my pregnancy gain is at about 20 pounds so far, mostly because I am on track to not gain a ton and this makes me proud. But, if you tell me I look like a mack truck, I will run you over and blame it on hormones :-)
2. Don't touch my belly unless you A. ask or B. I know you, love you or invite you to. I have no problems with the belly touching. I get it- its weird that a human is in there. But strangers touching my womb? No thanks- ever hear of the Swine flu epedemic?
3. Please don't ask how many babies I have in here. I promise, its only one. Please see #1.
4. I do not feel cute. I understand that to a non-pregs, pregnant people are the most beautiful things in the world. The roundness. The baby bump. Adorable, right? Well, as long as you don't factor in my stretching skin, growing cankles and cellulite. I don't feel cute, and that's ok, so let's move on.
5. Please don't tell me to not freak over said weight gain. You gain 8 pounds in 2 weeks and then call me. I understand that its for a good cause. Still, the scale hurts and it upsets me. Again, please see #1.
6. I love getting advice from mothers who have been there before. However, I don't want you to tell me that what I am planning is wrong. Even if it is. Let me figure it out. I am pretty smart, I will come around. Please let me have my pipe dreams- even if you know they are just that. Don't burst the prego bubble I am living in.
7. I do not want to hear about your birth experience. Currently, thoughts of pushing a watermelon out of a lemon haunt my dreams. I get that you survive. I know I will be there. I am just not prepared to talk about it.
8. Speaking of birth experiences- no one tells you actual symptoms of pregnancy. I mean, crazy stuff goes on with your body. If people told you, you probably would not have kids. I get that now. So, in the opposite fashion of the rest of this list- THANK YOU for not sharing. I will oblige and do the same.
9. Do not chime in about my name choice. I get it, you know blah blah who is named this and he ruined your life. I am sorry. My kid will be called (insert crude nickname here) for his life. I have thought about that- but we still like the name. Unless you are having this baby for me, keep the opinions to yourself. I will promise not to name your baby when you have one. Really.
10. Finally, I don't know why inappropriate questions are allowed while you are pregnant in the first place. Hello, etiquette? Do I ask if your nipples are sore? Do I want to know how your discharge is? Have I EVER asked you if you have hemorroids? The answer, my friend, is no. Please extend me the same courtesy. I will let you know if I want to complain- but don't ask. Really. Refer to #8. You. are. welcome.
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I love my preggo :)
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